


All That Remains

by scatteringmyashes



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Gen, Nonbinary My Unit | Byleth, Survivor Guilt, Trans Character, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22234552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scatteringmyashes/pseuds/scatteringmyashes
Summary: That's the thing about guilt. It doesn't go away with time. It just numbs, slow and steady, like an old limp or a bad back. Ever present, but one learns to live with it.Felix Fraldarius is the second son of the Fraldarius family. Everyone likes to remind him of this. He isn't thrilled.A story about guilt, authenticity, and duty.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius
Comments: 8
Kudos: 174





	All That Remains

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Evie for being an awesome beta!

When Felix was thirteen, he stole his brother's sword, made his way to the training grounds, and practiced until the sun came up. First, second, third, fourth — his positions were awkward, his movements jerky, everything a far cry from what a Fraldarius swordmaster was supposed to accomplish. 

His father found him half-collapsed in the sand, the sword laying at his feet. Rodrigue sighed and sat next to him. For a while, neither of them said anything. 

"I want to be a knight," Felix said. 

"I know." 

"Glenn gets to be a knight." 

"Yes." 

"Why can't I be a knight?" 

Rodrigue sighed again. "We all have our places. You are to be the companion of the prince. Glenn will be his shield. Our families have always been this way. Now, come. You need to wash before breakfast." 

Felix pouted but dutifully went to clean himself. 

A year later, Glenn died. Part of Felix died with him. 

#

Ingrid, surprisingly, was the first to comment. The rest of his friends were too cowardly (Sylvain) or too polite (Dimitri), but she cornered Felix on the way to his room not a week into classes. 

"You've done it," she said, standing with her arms crossed. 

"Yes." He didn't deny it. Couldn't, not with how his voice had dropped and his face sharpened and his muscles grew. He was still short, but, at least, Fraldarius men weren't historically giants. 

"Why?" There was no judgement, just careful neutrality. Felix would rather her be angry than feel nothing. It reminded him too much of his father's blank expression when Felix told him what he planned. 

Felix swallowed a hundred responses. "Because this is who I am." 

"Is it safe?" 

"Yes." 

"Is it forever?" 

"Hopefully." Felix leaned back. "Do you want anything important or are you just going to interrogate me for the next hour?" 

"No, I just…" Ingrid frowned. _Finally, some emotion_ , Felix thought. "I didn't think you were serious. That even you would never abandon—" She stopped. 

Felix scoffed, dropping his eyes and shaking his head. "I'm not talking about this with you." He turned away. If he couldn't get to his room, he could study elsewhere. 

"The Fraldarius family has always had two children. A boy to be the shield and—" Ingrid yelped as Felix grabbed her wrist, pulling her close so he could stare into her eyes. He could feel himself trembling. "What are you—"

"My name is Felix Fraldarius. I am the only living son of the Fraldarius family. Don't you dare forget it." He let go of Ingrid. She didn't say anything as he disappeared down the stairs, intent on putting as much distance between them as possible. 

#

"So, Sylvain, you've known Dimitri a long time, haven't you?" Mercedes asked at dinner one night. 

The Blue Lions ate together once a week. It usually wasn't by choice. 

"Yeah, Dimitri and I go way back. Actually, all four of us do." Sylvain gestured to Ingrid, Felix, Dimitri, and himself. "But Felix has known His Highness the longest. Practically cradle mates." Sylvain was a bastard and Felix wanted to strangle him with his bare hands. 

Mercedes was a devil who looked innocent. Felix didn't trust that smile. "What was Dimitri like as a child?" She asked Felix, lips stretched wide over teeth. 

Dimitri laughed nervously. "We don't have to talk about—"

"The boar has always been an idiot," Felix said. He stabbed his food a little rougher than necessary. "Take away the trappings of chivalry and what do you have left?" 

"A good man," Dedue argued. 

"Hardly." 

"His Highness is the epitome of honor," Dedue insisted. Sylvain laughed nervously. 

"Hey, maybe we should talk about our mission—" 

"The boar—"

"He's right here, Felix! He can hear you," Annette interrupted. Felix ignored her. 

"The boar is a monster wearing a mask. You'll see it one day. If you care. I don't know. Only a monster follows another willingly." 

"That's enough, Felix," Dimitri rumbled, thunder warning against a storm. 

Felix stood. "I find that my appetite disappears when I have to talk about these things. I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me." He felt unclean. His skin crawled. 

"What's up with him?" Annette asked in a whisper too loud to miss. Ingrid's sigh travelled through the air. 

"He's always been like that, but it's been worse since his brother died." 

"His brother?" Mercedes's words were the last Felix heard before he finally walked into the open air and felt his lungs, bound as they were in a ribcage wrapped up tight, suck in air.

#

The first person to say it was Alois. Felix never had spoken to the man beyond _You're in my way_ and _Where is Byleth?_ But it was impossible to miss when, in the middle of training, Alois said,

"Glenn, you've really improved since you first came here!" 

The training hall fell silent, blood rushing to Felix's ears. His heart stopped. His sword felt heavy, his mouth dry. Sylvain, the bastard, laughed. 

"That's it! That's why I keep thinking you look weird. You do look like Glenn!" He let out a satisfying yelp when Felix smacked him on the leg with the flat of his dulled sword. "I'm just saying it like I see it," Sylvain complained. 

Alois began apologizing, but all Felix wanted was to never think about it again. 

Predictably, Sylvain tried talking to him after training. Everyone else had trickled out, including the teachers. Felix was always the last to leave. Anything else would be suspicious by now. 

"Hey," Sylvain said. 

"What do you want?" Felix kept going through his stances, live steel in his hands. 

Sylvain held his hands up. "I wanted to apologize. I didn't think you'd be so mad about it. You look like a guy now — isn't that a good thing?"

_If only it were that simple._

"You don't understand." Felix paused. His tongue felt stuck to the top of his mouth. "I'm not my brother." 

"Yeah, but you look like him now. You're even a sword fighter like him. Gonna be the next shield or—" 

"Glenn is dead. There's no point talking about him." 

"Okay." Sylvain frowned. "I'm trying to compliment you, you ass. Don't make a big deal out of it." 

"You're the one making an occasion out of this." Felix put his sword down. Sylvain stepped back, a flash of panic in his eyes. Felix's stomach lurched. He looked away and muttered something about taking a bath. 

Sylvain let him leave. 

#

Felix's first memory was not his mother nor his father. It's not his brother. It was a winter day. The window was frosted over, the fire warm. 

"That's me," Dimitri said, pointing at a page with a chubby, five year old finger. "And that's you." 

Felix nodded. He couldn't read the book, but it was almost identical to the one in Castle Fraldarius. The pictures were simple enough. A blond man, a raven haired woman, their hands joined together with a bishop behind them. 

"My father said that Glenn is gonna be my shield and you're gonna be my com… compan-eon." Dimitri frowned as he struggled to remember the word. "I guess that's just us being friends?" 

"We're already friends, silly," Felix laughed. He pulled Dimitri close, hugging him. "You're my best friend. Dad says that it's good we like each other, 'cause I might have to live with you someday. I don't know why he gets sad when he says that though, because then I'd get to see you every day." 

Felix could still remember how Dimitri had hugged him back. 

"We're friends forever, right?" Dimitri asked. 

"Forever," Felix swore. 

Felix didn't break his promise. Dimitri was dead. The boar was all that remained. 

#

Rodrigue visited midway through the year. Felix heard his voice bouncing off the walls of Garreg Mach and promptly decided his time was best spent in his room that day. On the way, he asked Byleth not to tell his father where he was. 

"Why?" Byleth asked. 

There was so much Felix could say, but he settled on, "I don't want to be bothered." 

It was impossible to say whether Byleth understood, but they nodded and just watched as Felix slipped into his room. The door _clicked_ behind him. 

Predictably, Rodrigue ambushed him on the way to the dining hall. 

"My child," Rodrigue said, stepping forward like some dramatic villian in an opera. Felix glared at him and didn't even stop. "No time for your own father?" 

_Fine, if he insisted—_

"What do you want, old man?" Felix asked, crossing his arms. His back was to Rodrigue. There were a few students around, other late stragglers to dinner. They parted around him like water around a rock. 

"I wanted to see how you were. It's been a while since I got one of your letters." 

The last letter Felix sent was three pages on why chivalry was death-worship and how Faerghus was built on generations of glorifying sacrifice while forgetting the living. There was a little footnote at the end about how Felix was progressing quickly with his studies and that he hoped Rodrigue was in good health. 

Call him rude and crass, but Felix still closed his letters properly. 

"Nothing's changed. Faerghus is a kingdom of the dead. The only point of my birth was to die." Because Felix wasn't looking, he couldn't see Rodrigue flinch. 

"No, it wasn't. You were born as the companion of the prince. Now, you—"

"Oh, like that is so much better." Felix laughed breathlessly. "I can either live long enough to marry the boar or die for him. What good fortune for a Fraldarius child." 

"You cannot marry him now," Rodrigue said. Felix grit his teeth together. "A Fraldarius son must—"

"Always be the shield of the king. Yes, I know. I remember what you told Glenn." Felix hung his head. Upon uttering his brother's name, it felt like all the energy sapped from his bones. "Look where it got him. Death." 

"He died to protect your future king."

"He died to protect a monster." Felix didn't shout. He didn't have to. Dimitri was walking out of the dining hall, flanked by worrywart Dedue. He froze when he saw the two Fraldarius men. 

Felix could hear Rodrigue’s cloak shift as he bent over for the boar. 

"Your Highness."

"Rodrigue! I — I did not expect you to be here. I presume this has to do with our mission this month?" Dimitri asked. “And Felix — are you two getting dinner together?”

Felix felt his stomach churn. He felt trapped. Forward meant going into the dining hall, where anyone could accost him. Back was his room, but his father was right there and would undoubtedly follow him. 

_What a joke, free will_ , Felix thought. _Whatever we do is still subject to the whims of the world._

"Hey, Felix," a voice called out. Sylvain walked up the stairs, ignoring Rodrigue in favor of slinging an arm over Felix's shoulders. "I thought we were meeting up at the dorms. I was waiting for ages." 

They didn't have plans together. Felix hadn't seen Sylvain even smile the whole week, but here he was, grinning like an idiot. 

"I was bored," Felix said. Sylvain hummed as he marched them into the dining hall. He didn't ask for gratitude. Felix didn't give him any. 

They ate dinner in silence. 

#

Felix killed Miklan the first time. Byleth killed him the second time. Neither Felix nor Sylvain talked about it on the way back to the Academy.

Two weeks later, the Blue Lions rode out to Fraldairus. 

#

After helping secure Fraldarius territory from bandits, Rodrigue offered for the Blue Lions to stay in the keep overnight. Byleth accepted. Felix found himself adrift in his childhood home, his friends pestering him about the keep's secrets and trying to find portraits of Felix as a child. 

Annette was the only successful one. 

"And he has this pout," she told everyone. She tried to mimic it, but just looked constipated. 

"I can't believe that Felix hasn't changed in all these years," Ashe said. Sylvain snorted, then yelped. Ingrid looked satisfied with herself. 

"It really looks just like him," Annette emphasized. "But — Felix, I didn't realize you had a sister? Did she, um," Annette looked between him and Rodrigue, who had the veneer of apathy placed over his face. 

Felix knew what she was talking about. He had only been three or so and didn't remember being held in his mother's arms during the process, but it used to hang above the fireplace in the den. After his mother died, it was moved to his father's study. After Glenn, it had disappeared. Felix assumed it was destroyed, but clearly Rodrigue had kept the stupid thing. Probably because it was the only painting with the four of them together. Mother, father, son and—

"I don't have a sister. That girl died. I killed her the day I abandoned my duty." Felix stood. "I'll be in my room." No one followed. 

#

Byleth was the one who caught him staring at a different portrait, long past when everyone was supposed to be asleep. He noticed their approach but waited until they stopped to say,

"If you compare me to my brother, I'm joining the Black Eagles." 

Byleth snorted. They looked at the painting, the long brush strokes and the soft swirls. The way the artist captured Glenn's lips and the light that gleamed in his bright eyes. Felix hated his eyes. 

They both had gold eyes. Their mother had gold eyes as well. 

"When was this done?" Byleth asked. 

"The year he was knighted. My father was so proud of him. There was a feast and a festival for the villagers. Sylvain and Dimitri and their families even came." Felix closed his eyes. It didn't stop him from remembering everything. 

"What did Glenn think?" 

Felix scowled. "He spent the entire festival fighting people in duels or dragging Dimitri along to show him something stupid." Of course, Felix had never been far behind. Even back then, he had loved his brother. He had wanted, more than anything, to be like his brother. 

"You did well today. That woman would have died if it weren't for your help," Byleth said. Felix shrugged. "Rodrigue said he was proud of you." 

"I don't care." 

"I am proud of you." 

Felix didn't say anything. 

"There is more to chivalry than death. But you don't have to be a knight to be a good person or a good man." Byleth flexed a hand. "People like us don't get the luxury of choosing how other people see us. We can only take steps to be the truest to ourselves." 

"I don't know what that is anymore," Felix found himself saying. Byleth nodded. He waited for them to say something else. When they didn't — "I was supposed to be the queen to the king. Now I'm told to be his shield. That king is dead, and even if he wasn't, surely there must be another option." He sighed. "Chivalry is about many things, but it all stems from death. A ripe fruit born from rotten soil is still bad." 

"Do you think you are bad?" 

_I don't know._

"I abandoned one duty out of selfishness. Now I reject another." Felix swallowed back bile. "My father would have preferred Glenn lived. I know that much. The shield he holds is not meant for me. It never was and never will be." 

Byleth was silent as Felix walked away. 

#

When Felix was four, his mother died. Rodrigue wept. 

When Felix was fourteen, Glenn died. Rodrigue wept. 

When Felix was fifteen, he cut his hair. Rodrigue wept. 

When Felix was sixteen, he told his father that his name was Felix and that he would never again answer to anything feminine. Rodrigue frowned. 

Three months later, Felix found an alchemist who could help him become true to himself and he told his father in the cruelest way. 

“Finally,” Felix said, fury seeping into your voice, “I can kill what remains of your daughter.” 

Rodrigue didn't bat an eye. 

#

Rodrigue stopped him before the Lions left in the morning. He held out a shield. Felix wasn't an idiot. Even if it wasn't glowing, he would know it from silhouette, from smell, from _aura_ alone. 

"Here. It will do more good with you than with me," Rodrigue said. 

“No mention of honor or chivalry?” Felix asked. This time, he could see the flicker of pain in Rodrigue’s eyes. 

“It’s a shield,” Rodrigue answered flatly. “It serves to protect the bearer. To protect the son of the Fraldarius family. Take it or it’s going back on the wall.”

A moment.

Felix took the shield. It fit perfectly on his arm. Byleth smiled at him. 

“Stay safe, Felix,” Rodrigue said. He hesitated, but held out a hand. Felix swallowed. He took it and, with his free arm, hugged his father. “You are my only child. I—”

“Don’t say it,” Felix mumbled. “I’m not going to die for anyone and I live only for myself.” 

When they pulled apart, not a moment later, Rodrigue smiled. There were tears in his eyes that Felix refused to acknowledge. Behind them, the Lions did their best not to pretend eavesdrop with differing levels of success. Byleth didn’t even bother to try. Felix could feel them staring. 

“All a father really wants,” Rodrigue said, “Is for his son to grow up happy and healthy and safe.” 

Felix bit back a reply. 

“And,” his father added, “for him to be true to himself. Whatever that means.”

“Yeah,” Felix echoed. “Whatever that means.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr [here](http://disasterfelixfraldarius.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter.](https://twitter.com/ashes8012)


End file.
